I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.
Someone told me, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said,
"Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I
remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go
swimming until I came back.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in
my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the
rest.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a
quarter?
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall...
Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long
story short...
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes
without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come
here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people
died.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while
I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat
belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $115.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ________". I
wrote "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going to do?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in
all the other museums.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the
generic brands. Her name was "woman".
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and
run around, looking frantic.
I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the
world... Perhaps you've seen it.
