THINKER Spending his time thinking of things so you don't have to.

I F?

Not just the domain of science fiction writers, everyone should sometimes sit down and think ..."what if?"...."if only"....

• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
• If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
• If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
• If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer?
• If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
• If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
• If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
• If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
• If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
• If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
• If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
• If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
• If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
• If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
• If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
• If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words
• If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
• If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they mums?
• If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
• If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show?
• If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If I save time, when do I get it back?
• If Lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
• If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
• If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
• If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? I
• If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
• If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
• If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
• If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
• If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
• If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
• If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips's Screwdriver?
• If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
• If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
• If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?