"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
--Rita Mae Brown

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
--Larry Miller

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld