I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion..

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain..

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them..

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy..

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Mind Like a Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 States.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they..

Black holes are where God divided by zero..

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane..

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded..
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery..

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder..

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone..

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something..

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job..

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.